Friday 19th February 2021
Day 47 of Lockdown
Woke around 6.20am there is a coldness in the air, I will be so glad to see the warmer months this year. Winter is not my favourite season and this year it seems to be going so slow…Its with being in Lockdown.
I know spring can’t be that far off as all the little bulbs are starting to make an appearance…in the park they are already open, but not as yet in my garden. Nearly!
Hubby’s day off work today, normal circumstances we would be off somewhere, visiting family, going for walks further afield…that’s definitely one thing I do miss.
Oh I have my appointment through for my Covid jab next week, I was a little shocked when I received as I thought I would be way down the list only being in my 50’s , I can only think it’s because of dementia/ medical reasons I have been called.
To be quite honest I am a little nervous as I’m not one for tablets, medications of any sort but on this occasion I do think it’s the right thing to do. 😬
After writing my blog yesterday I began to think, because I do all my crafty things I don’t think people realise how my dementia affects me…they only see all my crafts and paintings I produce which is my positive side of Dementia.
I suppose because I always try to stay as positive as I can, you are only reading or witnessing my best bits, which is great because you can see what we are capable of when living with dementia.
I don’t often talk about the struggles.
After yesterday’s blog and describing what it is like for me to make a cup of tea when someone is speaking, it brought it home that I also need to describe what it’s like when we are struggling with things…I need to include everything as it’s not all about forgetting.
As you will have most probably realised from previous blogs, sleep is a big disturbance in dementia and no matter what I do…this is just how it is for me. I think the only thing I haven’t tried are sleeping tablets and No! I am not going down that road!
Today will be a funny sort of a day as hubby is at home all day which throws me out of my routine. I’m already out of my comfort zone / routine waiting for him to get up out of bed so I can tidy round. I would normally be dressed by now and possibly out with the dogs, but not this morning!
So I sit waiting and I suppose getting a little anxious…watch me fly round when the bedroom door opens!
Bedroom door opens just before 8am and in I am straight in to make the bed and also get dressed for my beach walk …which is not as early as it normally is, but at least it’s happening.
Charlie straight for the puddles, digging up pebbles!
Then the seagulls, this one looks like he has been to McDonald’s and dropped his chicken nugget!
There wasn’t anything new on the beach this morning, it was a little windy and showery…but lucky for us we dodged the showers.
On our way back home a lovely little Robin stopped by to say hello
Walk done, back inside where it’s warm.
I do a spot of baking which doesn’t go well.
My first mix I forget the caster sugar, so that goes in the bin.
The second mix is ok.
Then the rock bun mix…well I don’t know what happened, they don’t look like my normal rock buns!
Mmmm not a good day!
Lunch just tips me over the edge.
I am trying to make poached eggs and an omelette….Bang! Overload and Melt down!
I simply cannot do two things at once …I am so frustrated! …that’s it! Lost it!
Hubby tries to distract by giving me a hug…No! Push him away! I just need to be on my own…
Now I feel guilty for pushing him away.
It feels like there is something inside me that just takes over…I have no control.
I feel sad, flustration, confused!
I hate my sidekick right now!!
Because I have overloaded…The hours pass I start to feel rubbish
Saturday 20th February 2021
Day 48 of Lockdown
I wake this morning and lie in bed, I’m hoping for a better day than yesterday.
My motivation is low and I’m still in my pjs at 8.30am as I start to write my blog.
I have normally been out with the dogs by now…no not this morning as I look outside at a very grey damp morning…well that is not inspiring at all! No camera for me this morning, just something else to bring my mood down.
I think yesterday was a bad day, I am still feeling the guilt on my reactions at the disastrous bake and lunch.
I’m thinking is this another change that I can’t control!
Yesterday’s events are sticking in my head and I can’t shake them loose!
I have a very wet soggy walk with Toby this morning, we both looked like drowned rats on our return, for some reason I felt the need to stay out in the rain.
I take my hat off so I could feel the rain on my head. I then started to tidy the garden.
An hour later and soaked through to the skin, inside to remove all wet clothing and make a hot chocolate.
Hubby calls me on my phone, I normally enjoy my morning check in chat…not this morning as I just feel like I can’t be bothered. I hate feeling like this and it normally happens when I have done too much, or have too many thoughts wizzing in my head.
My day feels rubbish and I hate feeling like this
Today well, it’s a hard day…When all the positivity is sucked out of me
Hubby gives me a big hug on his return home.
My eyes fill with tears and all I can say is “This is so hard ”
Sunday 21st February 2021
Day 49 of Lockdown
Yesterday was a hard day!
Today is a new day!
I wake at 5.50am …well when I say wake, this is the time I actually get out of bed, I always wake a few times during the night, it is very unusual for me to go to bed and sleep through without waking or getting up.
I am out and about just after 7.30am I am determined to take my camera this morning even though the sky does look a little like rain.
Wow the beach is quiet, no one around this morning
I think Harry Potter was here earlier
Nothing of any interest…no new sea birds…not many birds at all really. Then on our walk back home I spy some little goldfinches playing, swooping from tree to tree across the road. I stop and watch…camera at the ready, waiting for them to settle…then click, click, click as my finger presses the button.
I never really know what I have captured until I return home. I could check the camera screen but I don’t take my reading glasses with me so I have trouble seeing! ha! ha!
Home and it’s always a surprise when the photos have uploaded on to my iPad and I can see what I have captured. Sometimes disappointing too, when I think I captured something and it’s all blurry
It’s a new routine I have.
Come home from my walk, sort out dogs, take outdoor clothes off, wash hands, put the kettle on to make a cup of tea or possibly a hot chocolate, biscuit, sit down and just relive my mornings walk. One of the best parts of the day ❤️
My day is better than yesterday, so that’s a positive and also the sun is trying it’s best to make an appearance, to make my day even brighter.
I am itching to go out again to take more photos, but its always so busy at weekend with tourists (even though they are not supposed to travel) so I will wait.
I take a few around the garden as the crocuses are flowering, it was beginning to feel a little bit more spring like today
I have felt a little brighter today, but a little lost of not knowing what to do with myself…at least I have felt more like me!
I will finish with a track by Sia – I’ll Never Give Up