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I was up early with the dogs, being a way from home in our new surroundings always unsettles for a day or two.
I open the door to the lodge so the dogs can go out to relieve themselves, all is quiet and still. The odd coo from a pigeon, a distant call from a pheasant, most of the outside world still sleeping . It’s that time in the morning when it’s not dark but not light and my eyes are finding it hard to focus.
I stand looking out over the lake towards the shyloettes of the trees on the hill, Therein the distance is a line of lights…” oh my goodness i didn’t know there was a train line”
I watch as more and more carriages with lights on disappear into the distance.
The long shape moved steadily along a line, I assumed it was the train track. For a moment I was filled with excitement…a train, wow! I didn’t know there was a train!
The shape had the unbroken line, the look of carriages, and the motion felt familiar. I pictured windows and that steady chuff of the train in my head.
Hubby came to the window as I was still watching the carriage steadily moving…” look there is a train line over there, can you see all the carriages lit up.” Hubby looked at me quite puzzled “ Gail there isn’t a train line, that’s just a line of cars travelling on a road with their headlights on”
I question again but after closer inspection he was right.
What I had seen was actually a neat row of cars on a parallel road, their headlights and taillights forming a continuous line. The fading light, and the distance had blurred them together into something my brain recognized as a train.
I must say I was a little disappointed, and also felt a little silly, I should have known that there wasn’t a train track, as we were miles away from Penrith where the trains are.
How easy that our eyes and brains fill in gaps.
When things are far away, in poor light, or moving in a steady procession, familiar patterns jump to mind. It wasn’t a failure of sight so much, as a trick of perception.
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It’s Thursday 12th February and we have had 4 days at a Lakeside Lodge at Bassenthwaite Cumbria. Unfortunately our first break of the year is coming to an end
There are only a few places that completely slow me down, Bassenthwaite being one. Lakes aren’t just stunning open waters, they are like a natural reset button.
For the last few days I traded my art and inboxes for misty mornings, dry stone walls, and the stunning landscape.
I filled pockets of time with walks that have left my legs aching and tired and my head pleasantly calm and empty.
Life now feels much simple when I’m surrounded by nature.
Yet still, as I look out over Bassenthwaite waters, a part of me is counting the hours until I will be back home to my familiar routine.
I find myself appreciating those ordinary things, my favourite mug, my comfy blanket…the smell of home.
For the moment, I’m taking with me a quieter breath, and the wonderful memories captured in photographs to relive to my hearts content, I should remember to look at these photographs when my days feel boxed in again.
So I go home grateful for the break that has reset my pace, yet relieved for the routine that brings me my familiarity.
Think I’m going to have to print off some photos just to remind me of Beautiful Bassenthwaite is and how it allows me slows me down.
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It’s Wednesday 11th February, my day starts with a walk down to Bassenthwaite lake with hubby and the dogs, the sky this morning is a thick sheet of grey, the trees and hills appear like silhouettes in this uncertain light. The clouds are almost promising day light but not much light is willing to break through as yet.
It’s so quiet, so tranquil a gentle lap of water from the lake and bird song to carry us on our way as both dogs are eager to explore new territory.
Back at the lodge we have a light breakfast before embarking on a short drive to Keswick to walk part of Derwent Water.
We normally visit Friars Cragg but this morning we are doing the opposite side of the lake near Portinscale, where Catbells is situated.
We park up the car and walk a short distance along the road lined with slate roofed cottages.
Drystone mossy walls lead us down narrow lanes and footpaths, the ground soft underfoot from all the rain, in some places quite muddy.
We walk through forests where the air smells woody and damp, then the trees thin and the path opens where there is a trickle of water from the fell waters running in a pebble drain at the path’s edge.
We pass a field full of Alpacas, where Sooty stood completely captivated, watching them intently as they played
We had been walking for a good hour before we saw any sign Derwent Water, I was beginning to think we had taken the wrong path.
From walking through muddy pathways underfoot now becomes quite uneven and gravely.
At last we meet a small jetty where the water broad and dark, glassy in some areas enough to mirror the hills and trees across the water.
We sit at the edge of Derwent with our flasks refuelling our body taking in the spectacular vast open space, excited children pass in canoes with adults supervising, raised voices shouting “row”
After plenty of photographs taken it was time to retrace our steps and head off back to the car. Our walk completed both Toby and Sooty are shattered…so am I
Day 3
( Thursday 19th ) today starts much later, I was exhausted from yesterday’s walk and unfortunately didn’t have the best nights sleep. I can hear the rain, yet still there is a soft melody of bird song all around.
The air has a smell of damp wet earth, my face covered in a fine mist from the morning rain.
Raindrops are bringing the lake’s surface to life, bringing texture, as the countless small rings that overlap making patterns on the lake’s surface. This simple outlook of raindrops on a lake has now turned into something much more than a tranquil lake. The lake has come alive.
Toby loves the water and the waters definitely comes alive when Toby jumps in!
Time to head on back to the lodge we are wet enough!
Think it’s time for a hot cup of tea.
Due to the rain we decided to chill in the morning, have a full English Breakfast before embarking on a woodland walk. Hubby assured me, the climb through the woodland would be a gentle one!
We drive to a carpark at the bottom of Wythop Woods, rain still falling but we walk anyway…It’s only water at the end of the day
The road slopes upward to a pathway where we are quickly swallowed by tall tree trunks. Underfoot the trail of slippery damp leaves, slate, mud and lots of broken branches. With every step gained my chest tightens, I’m not good with inclines. I try to keep a steady rhythm, body warming, head feels like its going to overheat, so off comes my hat. I can now feel the cool rain running through my hair and down my scalp.
The sound of water running in a hidden gully, the crunching of our feet, now the world feels compressed, the canopy of pine leaves making everything seem dark and almost claustrophobic
Moss thickens on tree trunks and fallen logs, fungi grows in the most unusual places.
As the incline eases the trees thin and the view loosen, ferns and bracken give way and the air is clearer and much colder.
We can now see the spectacular views over Bassenthwaite.
Now for the incline, I thought the clime was hard, but now it’s even more slippier underfoot. Tentatively walking I loose my footing and down I go slipping down the muddy pathway collecting an orange sludge on my way, hubby helps me up, only to reveal smeared all over the back of my clothes the orange thick sludge.
Well I can’t be any more wetter or muddier as we head down the road to where our car is parked.
I was so relieved when we arrived back at the lodge, now I can get out of my muddy wet cold clothes.
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Monday 9th February 2026…The suitcase sits in the front room like a promise. There are lists and scribbled post-it notes, stacker boxes with food, walking boots, dog leads, my mind keeps skipping ahead to lunch time when we will be loading the car…It’s a pause between leaving and arriving at our destination.
Yes we are off for a little break!
Physically I’m quite fidgety, folding and refolding clothes, checking lists, my routine has changed today, I feel I have more responsibilities, always nervous as my memory is not was it used to be, a slight worry hangs over me …”Have I got everything we need?”
My emotions are layered with anxiety, nerves and excitement. I can’t wait to be surrounded by nature, just to be surrounded by uninterrupted silence, yet there is a faint anticipatory homesickness, the awareness that I will be missing my home comforts.
When the moment to leave finally arrives, closing the door has mixed feelings, exited to see something new and anxious to be leaving my familiarity behind
Car all packed, dogs sat in the back, both Toby and Sooty excitedly panting, which creates condensation on the inside of the car windows. Their excitement can be a little overwhelming…So let’s go!
The outside world now somehow seems bigger, new roads to travel, new views and for a little while my anxiety tries to take over.
Then I see familiar landmarks and I know I have been here before…I can now relax and switch to holiday mode.
Always a relief when arriving at our destination…that’s the car journey over with, excitement as we open the door to our lodge…It’s that Ooo moment “ this is nice” As the dogs run around noses to the floor, in and out of each and every room, then out onto the veranda to let out a bark…The bark of “ we are here”
My anxiety is never far behind, just dipping in to remind me he’s not far away as we start unpacking, stomach sinks, have I remembered everything?
No!…
But it’s not the end of the world!
Even though I tell myself it doesn’t matter about the forgotten things, i beat myself up about out them time and time again. Hubby isn’t bothered, yet to me it’s massive. It feels like I have the items on loop playing inside my head, one item in particular keeps surfacing and replaying no matter how hard I try to ignore it. It tugs at my attention, making me say it out loud, other times it leaves a quiet, nagging itch on the tip of my tongue.
The thing is, it doesn’t really matter if I have forgotten something, we are only here for a few days, so I’m sure we will manage
Its now time to switch off from the hustle and bustle…its time to relax and breathe.
The weather outlook might be grey and cloudy, but it’s certainly not grey through my eyes, all I see is something spectacularly beautiful…Quite breathtaking!
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As many of you know, I live with early‑onset Alzheimer’s, and sometimes it feels like I’m in two different worlds, the one I used to know so well, and this strange one that is so unpredictable.
Some people look at me and still see Me, They speak to me the same way, give me the same responsibilities, yet at the same time they expect the same results. Part of me loves that, as it does sort of makes me feel normal. But another part of me is struggling, and they don’t see my struggles! Or is it they don’t want to see or acknowledge what I’m struggling with…
The forgotten words, the constant loosing things, the confusion…The bloody awful fog!
I’m sure I have said many times…Pretending I’m fine is exhausting, yet I still do it!
Then there is the other side. The ones who see only the diagnosis. Those people would complete MY task before even asking. Finish MY sentence before letting me try, they are the ones steeling my independence.
Having said that…When does someone takes over?
I find myself constantly trying to reassure everyone, that I can still do things.
I now think I’m secretly trying to reassure myself, there are moments, when I feel my own memory slipping, and yes if I’m honest it scares me…I hate the fact that dementia sometimes has the upper hand.
When is it the rightime to step in…Somedays I am quite focused and others I feel the need for someone to take over…It’s a difficult one! I always say communication is key, but sometimes just sometimes it would be nice for people to recognise, pick up on the signs when I’m struggling. I don’t need to be wrapped in cotton wool, I just need someone to take over when dementia gets heavy.
When I say I’m exhausted…I am exhausted.
When I retreat…I need calm as it’s all getting too much
When I say my head is feeling funny, it’s a clue that I’m going to be confused and mixed up
It’s all about picking up, taking notice of the little clues of when to step in, and when to stand back.
Does it matter if i make a cup of tea and forget the sugar, (which can be rectified without me knowing) no need to bring it to my attention.
Does it matter if I tell the same story twice. ( just listen it’s the first time i think I’ve told it)
I’m sure there is enough space for me and my sidekick,
I know i didn’t ask for a sidekick but it is what it is and I certainly can’t change it…No one can!
Dementia changes how I experience the world, but it hasn’t taken away my longing to belong, and to contribute where I can.
I’m still here, still smiling, still laughing and definitely still learning how to live in these two worlds.
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It was a Saturday morning when I decided to go out with my camera. There have not been many clear early morning skies for quite a few days, so when I saw a little colour appearing through the clouds, I decided to load the dogs and my camera into the car and take the short 10 minutes journey to Skippool.
Skippool is a fascinating place and is great for taking photos. It’s where small fishing boats old and new, moor on the mud flats and muddy banks of the River Wyre. There are quite an assortment of boats some are seaworthy others are now wrecks from years gone by. It just makes this place so interesting.
I arrive at the car park, there is a chill in the air from the cool breeze, in-fact it’s bitter! I pull my coat collar around my neck to try and stop the air biting at my bare skin, we proceed to walk down the lane which is empty and so peaceful the sky looks like it’s having an argument between sun and cloud. Only a pale pink hue lines the sky this morning.
The stubborn sun hides behind a curtain of grey, only the edges of the clouds manage to show the rich burning glow
The colours then change to gold and apricot but the sun never really quite break through. A slight glimpse, a nervous glints, the water mirrors whatever light the sun can free
Close by the boats rock with the breath of a cool morning breeze. Their masts lean and sway lines and stays ping and chime like distant bells, a metallic melody that keeps time with the sway.
The sun may be stalled, the clouds stubborn, but the world around carries until the light finally finds its way.
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As most of you know I have 2 Scottish Terriers whom are my best pal’s, when I think about it, they are the ones I spend most of my time with.
Those whom own a dog, understand that these four legged furry friends become part of your family…they are family!
Dogs are special, they bring an unconditional companionship and most of all they are nonjudgmental, they don’t answer back!
I suppose my dogs give me a routine and also a purpose, they both create structure to my day …Feeding, walking, grooming, playing and most of all they bring connection and comfort.
They say dogs are very good at reading human cues, like body language, and especially the tone of your voice. Toby is very good in tuning in to how I’m feeling. If I’m having a bad day he will be there sat next to me. I suppose he is making sure I’m ok and trying to offer me some comfort.
Sooty on the other hand, is a live wire. We are still tuning into one another, and every now and again the reception drops!
My dogs are a source of joy and Toby is a great stress reliever, Sooty still brings a little stress, he is one hell of a stubborn Scotty! But my dogs are a part of me, they are a key part of my daily identity, they are my walking buddies!
So when Toby became poorly around the 19th January my routine and structure started to fall apart.
The worry of a poorly dog, cat or any pet brings fear and sadness. You feel so helplessness because you don’t really understand what they are going through, you might not even understand the cause.
In Toby’s case, he has had diarrhoea since the 19th of January, and getting to the bottom of why he has been so poorly has been a difficult process. From food, parasites, poisons and toxic substances, all of which have been discussed at length with Toby’s vet and all comes with a cost.
Two weeks on and Toby is still no better, Toby has had blood test, examinations, medication and we are still no nearer to recovery.
Toby sleeps most of the time now, he does have moments of alertness which we hope is promising sign.
It’s been a constant 24hrs cleanup operation and now I’m exhausted. Toby wakes me constantly throughout the night to go outside and relieve himself, he is so good. He even waits to be cleaned up before he goes back to his bed, bless him.
It’s been a game of elimination to get to the bottom of why Toby has had such a bad stomach. I even contacted Toby’s dog food manufacturer Royal Canin, whom was extremely helpful in getting answers and checking the batch of dog food for any possible causes.
So dog food rules out, parasites ruled out, infection ruled out, viruses ruled out, poisons and toxins?
It’s been a worrying time, but holding on to hope and not giving up on him has paid off.
Two weeks on, we can see slight changes and hopefully he is now on the way to recovery.
We know his recovery will take time for his stomach to get better, but on the positive side we have seen little improvements over the day last few days.
Now we are vigilant, checking our garden for foreign pieces of food.
I can’t wait to have Toby back to full health, back at my side where he belongs …Oh and also posing for a weather photo!
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it’s easy to forget that not everything is visible to the eye.
Some of the most powerful things in life like love, hope, courage, dreams are invisible.
People often say, “Seeing is believing.” But sometimes, the opposite is so true “believing is seeing.” Think about the air we breathe, we can’t see it, yet it’s there, the beating of your heart…All unseen, but very real.
When people think about illness, disabilities, diseases, they often imagine something they can see, a cast, a rash, a scar, a wheelchair. The truth is, not every illness is visible. Many people wake up each day coping with conditions that can’t be seen on the outside. Think about those living with chronic pain, mental health challenges, autoimmune diseases, neurological disorders, and more.
Living with an invisible illnesses is a balancing act between appearing “fine” and feeling far from it. I smile while struggling through waves of confusion and exhaustion. I carry on because that’s the way I am. Then I’m faced with misunderstanding and sometimes judgment because my invisible illness / disease isn’t obvious.
Just because i looks healthy doesn’t mean i feel healthy. Just because i seem strong doesn’t mean im not hurting. It takes courage to carry on, to keep going when fighting this invisible battle.
Dementia doesn’t always shout its presence. Sometimes it’s whispering quietly in the background.
When people hear the word dementia, they often picture forgetting names or getting lost in familiar places. What they don’t see is what isn’t visible, all those things happening inside. The confusion, the fear of slipping moments, the awareness that parts of my world is changing.
One of the hardest parts of living with a hidden disability is feeling invisible yourself, being told “you don’t look like you have dementia ”.
The unseen can be just as real, just as serious, and so deserving of understanding and care.
“The greatest battles are fought where no one can see”
“The greatest strength is living through them every day”
Yes I know on the outside, I might look perfectly fine. I can still laugh, tell stories, and enjoy life. But on the inside, I sometimes feel like I’m piecing together a puzzle that keeps shifting, that lost piece that I simply cannot find.
You may not see me struggle, but I can assure you, I feel it.
“When memories fade, love does not. And just because you can’t see what’s happening doesn’t mean it isn’t real.
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If a child was acting out roll play you wouldn’t stop them you would join in making it fun
If a person with dementia tells you something that you think is utter rubbish… why would you stop them?
Imagine this…A child bursts in declaring themselves “Jake the Pirate” on a mission to find the evil Captain Hook. Do you roll your eyes and say, “That’s nonsense, go and do something useful”. Of course not! You go into the world of your child, you use your imagination and join in! You make that moment the highlight of their day…Because play is their language. It’s how children explore, connect, and feel seen.
Now, picture someone with dementia sharing a vivid tale… Perhaps the postman has just delivered a letter, the person living with dementia thinks it’s from the King, he is inviting everyone to tea at Buckingham Palace! It’s not real, but at that moment it’s their reality. Do you correct them with, “that’s not true”
Now I wouldn’t correct them because all that would do would shut down their communication, their spark.
Instead, why not lean in and say “How exciting! Perhaps we need to plan what we are going to wear
It’s the power of going with the flow
For people living with dementia, confusion isn’t rubbish it’s just how their brain works, so telling someone that their truth is wrong feels like a dismissal, it’s like being told off!
What we should be doing is to make the person feel listened too. Acknowledge, nod, smile, say something like…”Wow, that sounds amazing !”
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“I try my best to remain positive whilst living with Early onset Alzheimer’s…but sometimes…dementia really stinks!
I suppose the above sentence says a lot. It still contains hope but also honesty. And I suppose positivity is a powerful tool to have if you can keep hold of it, it can help you find a meaning and enjoy the moments that keep us going.
Sometimes my positivity does slip, I can’t remain positive all the time, and I do think it would be unhealthy to do so. If i was to say everything was ok all of the time, It would just feel like I was pretending everything was ok all the time…But it’s not!
There are days when dementia takes more than it gives, especially when the confusion and anger takes over.
I’m Acknowledging both sides of dementia…Only trying to be resilient I suppose.
Today Sunday 18th January DEMENTIA STINKS!
It’s not just loosing words, names or some of my memories today.
Dementia today is humiliating and terrifying!
Living with and also watching and listening to a loved one suddenly loose control of their world around them, is scary.
Today stirs up that unwelcome visitor…Dementia!
Tensions, confusion…
The Positivity I try to carry is slipping away, because positivity doesn’t erase feelings.
I know It’s okay to be angry, sad or frustrated but how can I balance watching a loved one deteriorate and keep myself sane when living with dementia.
How can I try to stay balanced when the disease stinks!
Trying to stay focused on what brings joy, is really difficult sometimes, when all you can see around you is the destruction of dementia. Everything becomes overwhelming, those feelings I have are now arguments in my head. I am fighting with positivity and dementia.
I’m struggling with processing.
Dementia is winning today!
The explosion of frustration, anger, and sadness erupts like a volcano, pouring out in a scalding, unstoppable flood.
This is where dementia feels lonely, this is where is hard to make people understand…to understand how it feels when your head is in bits when you have no control of what comes out of your mouth or your actions. It’s where dementia takes pleasure in hurting all those you dearly love and there is nothing that you can do.
Too Young for Dementia? 