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As I ease myself back into meetings, I have promised myself
Not to take anything on when it’s hubby’s day off work. ( that’s our time )
No more than 2 meeting per week, 3 absolute tops
Cut blogs down to just Mondays and Fridays to see how that goes.
Spend less time on social media
Not pressurising one’s self to create a piece of art work every day! ( art is to be enjoyed not forced )
Take more time for myself
Spend more quality time with hubby
Do the things that make me happy!
Less stress when living with my sidekick in tow has to be healthier
Stress can worsen symptoms such as confusion, agitation, memory loss, and difficulty communicating. A calm place, helps you feel more secure, in control, which makes my sidekick easier to cope with.
I have realised by taking a break, I am less stressed.
It’s not only the attending meeting that stresses me out, it’s all of the preparation work that goes into the meeting before hand. It’s not as easy as just sitting on a zoom call for an hour when living with dementia!
Don’t get me wrong I love to be involved and I’m not complaining. It is just taking me sometime to realise what my own abilities are now my sidekick is working alongside me!
I can’t rush around anymore from meeting to meeting it scrambles my head, making me tired, confused and irritable.
I’m sure people would rather i attended just a few meetings when I’m able to function better, rather than pushing myself into a frenzy, not able to digest anything that is said.
We all have different ways of working, some of us can take on much more than others, some of us enjoy to have the busy life of the non stop meetings.
There is no right or wrong way.
The important thing to realise, what is right for you!
Just because Joe Bloggs is involved in anything and everything, doesn’t mean it’s what you have to do!
Listen to you!
Don’t forget we are not all the same
We are all unique, it’s definitely not one size fits all
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Wednesday 8th October 2025. I was invited by my Admiral nurse Maxine to share my story with some nursing staff
Sharing my experiences with others does feel like I’m releasing something that I carry inside, it makes me feel both vulnerable and also empowered. When i open up about what I have been through, it often creates a sense of connection, it gives people an insight in to my world, inviting a better understanding of my dementia chapter.
There is always a feeling of mixed emotions for me, I suppose it’s a little relief in sharing how I live with my sidekick in tow, even though I am also nervous about being judged.
When I have finished it’s a sense of relief, accomplishment and also pride in sharing something meaningful. Most are shocked when I disclose that I was diagnosed in 2019 At the age of 54, I suppose it’s the reality hitting home that dementia can strike anyone at any age.
Speaking about my experiences aloud, helps me make sense of my own situation, it grounds me and reminds me that I’m not alone, I do have great support in the way of my Admiral Nurse Maxine and Julie.
I think it also gives me clarity on how far I have come and who I am now.
It’s when others respond with interest, it brings a feeling joy. It’s then i realize that people are listening, and if only 1 person “gets it,” it’s better than non at all
I wonder if it’s the empathy from others that makes me feel connected.
It’s the connection I need, that gives me a purpose.
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A couple of months ago I said I needed time to find myself…I was feeling lost…My personality had lost its sparkle as my mood took a little dip…I had lost me.
It is like I am lost in myself.
My sidekick is disrupting my world, which has been deeply disorienting.
It has meant that sense of who I am or should I say …was, is extremely blurry. My thoughts and feelings have changed, the sense of loosing all purpose in life became very disconnected.
I did not recognise me or have any motivation in my life.
Motivation is something I am still struggling with. Somedays just feels like a constant battle with me and my sidekick
Feeling detached from life…my life. It’s like I’m watching rather than living, if that makes sense.
It’s a conflict between Gail and My Sidekick which pulls me in different directions.
Trying to keep familiar routines going has been really difficult.
When you are feeling lost it’s a struggle to keep engaged.
The biggest loss, once again is purpose, I feel like I’m loosing connection with the things that would bring me joy, like my art and photography.
I have no idea what is happening with me at this moment in time. Some days I feel I’m back and Gail is raring to go and other days, my sidekick takes over and I really don’t know who I am.
Slowly i think my motivation is emerging, it’s just holding on to it that’s the problem.
I have been engaging in art, by creating Christmas cards and Birthday card only because I have to, it’s not really because I want to.
The odd sketch has been created because I have pushed myself, not because I have been inspired…it’s definitely inspiration I am lacking.
I feel like my sidekick is trying to control my mood, my mind, and Me!
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Hubby suggested.
“Let’s go for a walk around Stocks reservoir”
“ it will be a flat circular walk”
I had no reason to question. Hubby had been looking at maps of the area, so I was confident he knew what he was doing.
“ All we have to do is follow the blue arrows for the circular route, it will be nice and easy” he said
We pull into the carpark for Stocks reservoir circular walk.
Walking gear on..
Me, I have my camera bag over shoulder, camera around my neck, Sooty’s lead attached to a belt around my waist and phone in hand.
Hubby had Toby, a rucksack on his back, carrying refreshments and his binoculars.
Hubby is always in charge of navigation, my map reading days are over…never been the best at map reader, but always had a pretty decent sense of direction.
The pathway are not as waterlogged as yesterday and the sun is out!
We walk along side of the reservoir, always on the lookout for signs of nature, camera always at the ready. The only disadvantage of my bridge camera it’s a fixed lens, If you want a different focal length, aperture, or specialized lens, I’m out of luck. Also the Autofocus and continuous shooting speeds are slower than those on high‑end cameras. Having said that this camera is quite versatile for my needs.
I can’t use a complex camera, my brain doesn’t retain the information, the Bridge Camera i can put into auto mode, offering me a much more easy, flexible approach to photography.
It’s a tranquil, steady walk with stunning views, well that’s how it seemed for the first 30 – 40 minutes…Then things began to change, there is an incline! No one mentioned hills! As I look back struggling to catch my breath…We seem to be leaving the reservoir behind!
I question if we are going in the right direction.
Still following the blue arrows as instructed, we walk further and further away from the reservoir. Distracted by a beautiful rainbow that has appeared at the top of the hill, giving me an incentive to keep going. What I didn’t spot was the dead sheep to the left of me until it was too late.
Trying my best not to look at the poor sheep I reach the top of the hill, yeh! A blue arrow points toward a bridge, which is in the bottom of a valley, at least now we are dropping down.
We stop and have a break at the side of a river, gathering my thoughts as I look ahead at another steep incline.
It’s at this point I jokingly comment “ are you trying to get rid of me “ “ these hills will be the death of me”. We both laugh.
We have been walking now for a good few hours, and still no sight of being anywhere near the end, I don’t think we had even reached half way.
I was beginning to worry…I was struggling, the walk was much longer than I expected. Then I saw a field full of cows…huge cows! I hate cows, they freak me out!…They are bigger than me!
My pace picks up as I start to walk through the cow filled field. I look ahead for a gate, something to focus on
Why do all the cows seem to be looking at me!
That’s it I’m zoned out as I trudge through the muddy pathway. I don’t speak, I don’t look, I just walk through the mud watching the gate as it gets closer and closer.
At last relief…I can breathe…I’m through the cow filled field!
I find a rock and plonk myself down waiting for hubby to join me with my flask of hot sweet tea.
Hubby looks to see if perhaps there is a nearby road where I can rest, while he walks back to get the car, unfortunately not.
Eventually after around 3 hours we reach the main part of the reservoir and I’m exhausted! Thank goodness the sun is shining and I have my camera to take my mind off how tired I really am.
Then for a brief moment the sky changes from blue to grey, our pace quickening, we found shelter under some trees while we had a brief heavy shower
As we continue the walk, Mr Hare comes hopping towards us, he was a little startled and quickly tried to escape the pathway by burrowing under the fence into the dense forest.
The Buzzards are out again!
Camera out as I try my best to capture a clear shot. This Buzzard is not for coming close and the wind is not making it easy for me to keep the camera steady. It doesn’t matter that I didn’t get a great photo, i was just excited to see them.
We must have completed around 6 possibly 7 miles by the time we reached this point.
I was shattered, sore, my hip was causing me so much pain from the uneven pathways and climbs, my foot was playing up and I was physically exhausted!
The end had to be somewhere near.
We opened a large gate which led through into a forest, where the smell of pine needles filled our nostrils. I could hear noises, we both stopped listening to the sounds of a cry…It was children…
We must be near the carpark!
I did not take kindly to reading this sign …Top Walking!
I was Broken and in Pain!
We had actually been walking for around 5 hours, in that time we had walked just over 8 miles
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We have just recently had the most horrendous wet and windy weather, and guess what me and hubby had chosen a short break away from home!
Hey Ho! Makes things interesting!
We set off on our travels on Friday 3rd October, oh my goodness it was a wet and windy journey. We had to take a detour due to traffic jams because of torrential rain and winds…
It was storm Amy causing the chaos!
We took the back roads rather than the busy motorway…Don’t know if it was the right decisions, the roads where becoming quite waterlogged!
As we reached the border of Lancashire and Yorkshire the rain was bouncing! Not great when you are travelling on the narrow winding roads carpeted with the slippery colourful autumn leaves.
Surface water was now pooling, there was no way we could avoid. It was like being on the log flume at Blackpool Pleasure Beach!
As the car hits a puddle or flood patch in the road, there’s a sudden whoosh like a wave hitting, followed by the brief blindness as a sheet of water smacks across the windscreen. The outside world vanishes in a silvery blur, wipers struggling to clear it away.
Hubby carefully navigated, avoiding where at all possible.
We approached many dips in the road where water levels had risen flooding the road.
Cars queued in both directions as each car carefully navigated the flooded areas, it was becoming a little frightening…Thank goodness our car is an SUV giving us higher ground clearance
When we reached our destination, there was an element of relief.
We checked in, then unloaded the car in super quick time, trying our best to keep our luggage as dry as possible.
Once inside our lodge, it was heating on and time for a brew.
The lodge was clean and spacious, equipped with everything that we needed for our short break, we just needed the weather to clear up!
Saturday Morning the rain was still pouring! Well it’s only water!
We headed off to check out the local area.
There we found a nature walk with birds hides strategically placed around the water’s edge. These bird hides became very useful when the heavy downpour came.
The pathways where extremely saturated, making walking very slippery underfoot
No sights or sounds of little birds, only the squelching of our feet as we carefully trek through the muddy pathways
The odd spit spot of rain in the air is now getting heavier so we quicken our pace to find the first bird hide.
Inside the bird hide, the heavens open and the rain pours.
We take a seat in the cold damp mental construction, the only light is from the 5 hinged small windows that open like a serving hatch, theses are for birdwatching but at the moment we are keeping them tightly closed to protect us from the wind and rain.
Within 10 minutes the rain has passed, we can now open the hatches to view the natural beauty that is all around us, unfortunately not great light for photography, still exciting to try and capture though.
We were really excited to spot a buzzard at the other side of the water’s edge, just a little bit too far away to capture a clear photo.
As we sat willing the Buzzard to turn and face us, we could believe it…down lands another Buzzard!
A flapping frenzy starts between the pair before they both settle calmly on a branch…How I wish I was closer!
We eventually move on to the second hide, with skies becoming greyer by the minute, another heavy downpour leaves us stranded in a hide for a while before we make the decision to head back to the lodge
Even though the weather is pretty poor, there is always something beautiful to photograph
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I sit and wonder, how many times I have opened my mouth though out the years and been treated differently, snubbed for just expressing how i feel, for telling it as I see things. ( we all have our opinions )
I thought freedom of speech was sopeople could have the right to express their opinions, ideas, and beliefs without undue interference, censorship, or punishment
Working in local government, over the years I did come to realise, people can be treated differently when they share their opinions especially if someone of authority disagrees. My Mum always used to say “ Gail you need to keep your mouth shut”
I suppose when someone voices a different opinion, especially on sensitive topics, it can feel like a challenge or even a threat, so thats why reactions can be defensive and sharp.
People often respond not just to what is said, but also how it makes them feel, I suppose it also depend on who is speaking. For example, the same opinion voiced by a teacher, child, celebrity, or political leader may be judged very differently.
Freedom of speech gives you the right to speak, but it doesn’t shield you from social consequences when others strongly disagree.
We’re treated differently for our opinions because people filter what they hear through their own beliefs, their emotions and their culture, which make people’s reactions vary.
Is speech really free, when people stop listening ?
Is speech free for those of us living with dementia?
Freedom of speech is supposed to be the right to express oneself openly, but in most societies it comes with responsibilities and also limits to protect others.
Freedom of speech a space for expression, subject to restrictions.
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A few days ago my wonderful Admiral Nurses had a scheduled meeting at Pendleside Hospice, near to where my parents live. They arranged to pick me up from home and join them in the journey over to Burnley, giving me the chance to
Meet with my parents Admiral Nurse at Pendleside Hospice
Visit my parents while my Admiral nurses attend their meeting.
Maxine and Julie are amazing Admiral nurses, they have supported me in so many ways over the last couple of years. They know so much about me, because they have taken the time to listen to my story…My life before dementia!
We all have stories to tell and it’s so important when living with dementia to share who you are…Your likes and dislikes, your childhood, your employment, your hobbies, food, drink.
By sharing your past people can build a much better picture, a better understanding of you as a person. After all, we are all unique!
Anyway I’m going off piste a little
After meeting with my Parents Admiral Nurse at the local hospice, Maxine then drove me 10 minutes up the road to my parents house, where I spent a couple of hours with my parents while my Admiral nurses had their meeting.
My Dad isn’t as mobile now, so when I open the living room door I am greeted with his open arm reaching out for that much needed hug. My dad’s arms wrap around me so tightly, I can feel his thin frail body shaking.
A hug can communicate so much without even speaking. It’s that reassurance that we sometimes need. It’s security, comfort and love.
His face always light up. Then I ask how he is feeling and get the same answer…”Shit!”
At the moment dad’s Vitamin B12 is so low he is having injections every other day for two weeks to see how he goes, he is also still having lots of stomach problems, as well as his dementia.
Every time I visit I notice a decline with his dementia, my Dad is definitely declining quicker than I am, then again I do wonder if he had dementia for much longer than first diagnosed.
Dad has had heart problems for quite sometime, think it all started in his 60’s, where he had a few heart attacks before having a stent fitted. Then as the years passed he had a few strokes too.
When we are all together having a conversation Dad does get a little muddled, he calls me Pat a lot, but I never correct, I just go along with the conversation.
He looses track of conversation now, and goes off onto something totally different. It’s funny how I instinctively follow…think that’s because we are on the same wavelength! …Or is it we are on that similar journey!
Dad is now very repetitive, which is hard on my Mum as she has to listen to the same conversation all day.
The constant wittering wears her down, she looks exhausted at times.
Dad is always cold, the heating was on 26 degrees!
Still he is cold while everyone else is sweating buckets.
Dad says “ you’re all trying to freeze me to death” !
On this particular visit when he had had enough of sitting chatting, he made his way to the conservatory, he just wanted to be alone, which i totally get.
He walks slumped over the metal walking frame that assists each step, shuffling as he goes.
His clothes fit loosely, they hang, emphasising his fragility.
Dad looks so weak, so vulnerable and fragile.
He reaches the sofa in the conservatory, dropping into the cushioned seat in an out of control manner, the next time we look Dads eyes are closed, he’s drifted off to sleep.
While Dads asleep my Mum tries to get in touch with the hospital transport service, she needs assistance in getting Dad to hospital for an up and coming appointment.
This is another ridiculously hard to navigate service within the NHS!
Mum was unsuccessful for the second time this week in booking transport. Mum has been trying for 2 days!! They told her today to ring back tomorrow! 🙄
Meanwhile Dad has now woken up, he is looking very confused, he is looking all around. Dad then looks through the glass doors he can see me, I can tell by the look on his face that his brain hasn’t registered who I am. Dad opens the door looks, then turns and sits back down looking so lost and confused.
I say nothing to my Dad, I just turn to my Mum and say he is a little confused, perhaps we should just leave him for a while.
A little while later I open the door, smile and say “Hi Dad, how are you”
He’s back…He smiles…Reaches out his hand.
I take his wrinkled hand, which looks so delicate, a faint tremor ripples through to my hand as I hold his hand in mine.
This hand was once so strong, my protector…My Dad ❤️
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When dementia takes over and confuses the hell out of me, I always feel the need to run!
The other day I was at home, i was getting so agitated after several questions where thrown at me. Because I couldn’t answer the original question, another question was asked then another and another. By this time I’m out of my depth and I’m getting angry, it’s like my sidekick has just covered me in a green mist… Ive turned into the Hulk!
I can feel my whole body tensing as my heart beats faster.
Now I feel like Alison Wonderland, falling into a spinning tunnel of confusion…Help! Make it stop!
Confusion!
As more questions are fired, the tunnel spins faster and faster until I’ve lost me (Gail)
My sidekick has now emerged from the depths.
This anger…It’s is not me!
I need to escape this feeling I can no longer control.
I hate being out of control!
I have an unbelievable strong urge to leave, i just need to go out of the door and run!
Me run…I can’t run!
I just need to be outdoors.
Outdoors with nature…Nature might take away the confusion away
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Why do we fear the dentist so much
I suppose the association of pain, from things like drilling, needles, or tooth ache might play a big part, or is it that dental chair, where I loose all control, perhaps that makes me feel so vulnerable.
It’s when I have to lie back in that chair, I immediately close my eyes, I don’t want to see what’s happening.
I don’t want to see the closeness of a stranger’s face, whilst they work inside my mouth.
Just the thought of it all, causes anxiety.
As a child, through to being an adult I was never frightened of the dentist, I had built up a great trust relationship with my dental surgeon. Visits to the dentist never bothered me at all.
In my late 20’s I had a tooth that started to turn a funny colour just in one particular part of the tooth so I had a gold inlay fixed to the side and part of the front of the tooth . What I didn’t realise is that the inlay could come loose and fall out! I was fed up with the many visits to the dentist to keep having the inlay fixed, so I discussed with my dentist the options I had to make my tooth good.
A white or gold crown was the options given.
I decided on the gold crown…My parents thought it was a terrible idea.
I thought it was different…I’ve always loved different, so that’s how the gold tooth came about…Yes it was quite painful to be fitted but my dentist at the time was great and always made me feel comfortable and relaxed… I trusted him!
I was never scared, never suffered from anxiety and always visited every 6 months without any apprehension.
In my mid 30’s my wonderful dentist retired and I found it difficult to find a dental surgeon that I was comfortable with, I had a few different dentist, but no one lived up to Mr Pass. Treatment became a negative or painful experience, which was making me nervous around going to the dentist.
Then we moved to the Fylde Coast, this area proved difficult to find a dental practice that had availability for NH S patients, eventually we found a dental practice with a nice friendly dentist who was good at her work. I thought I was back on track for great dental treatment, she made me feel comfortable and she was very proficient.
Then the private sector started to take over. Many NHS dentist chose to go private, our dentist did give the patients the option to leave or pay £20 per month, that would be £40 per month for both me and hubby and we would still have to pay for treatment on top of the monthly payment!
We opted out, leaving us both without a dentist…what we didn’t realise was we wouldn’t be able to source another NHS dentist as most dentist in our area went private.
For 2 possibly 3 years now, both me and hubby have had no NHS dentist, no regular dental treatment.
There are simply No NHS dentist available in our area
We are now just left with the NHS emergency dental service.
For a couple of months I have had dental pain in my lower first and second molar, well around that area. I knew I had a broken tooth as my tongue was drawn to the rough uneven surface.
The last straw was when the pain took over, paracetamol was not helping and sleep was impossible.
At 8am following a night of intense pain I immediately rang the NHS 111, navigating the automated machine on the other end of the phone…So Confusing!
Eventually about an hour later I speak with a real person, whom takes my details and offers me an appointment with the NHS Emergency Dental Services.
Everything explained including the payment for the treatment, don’t think i digested all the info, but noted down the important bits, like time and location.
We travel over to Blackpool to the Whitegate Health Centre arriving 15 minutes before my appointment time as requested. My anxiety hitting the extremely high mark, yet I was relieved in a way, knowing that my pain will soon be taken away, I hope!
I must say the receptionist was fantastic, she was so nice, so helpful and had time for everyone that approached the receptionist window.
When my name was called, it was like my stomach dropped to my feet, anxiety now through the roof as hubby try’s to distract and calm me down. I must say the dentist and his nurse were also so caring and once assessed my teeth, explained every single process that was going to be carried out.
Unfortunately for me I needed 2 teeth to be removed…Gulp!
Woo, they have numbing gel now! This made the injection less painful, the taste was bitter, I imagined it to be like eating leaves!
Tell you something it made the Xray of my mouth more bearable, which I was grateful for ( hate X-rays of the mouth makes me gag)
Then it was time for the extraction, a little pulling and twisting while the nurse held my head in place and both teeth out before I knew it! Wow!
The care from this NHS Dental Department was exceptional from start to finish, so credit where credit is due I left them excellent feedback.
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It was time for a short break, some quality time with hubby and our four legged friends…
Time for different views and surroundings.
The only negative regarding short breaks away, is that I will have no idea where anything is!
The positives of short breaks away, always out weighs the negatives, I am lucky to have hubby with me to assist and take over when necessary, enabling me to function.
Our day of travelling wasn’t the best, I think one of the wettest, windiest days of the year! Fortunately we made it to our destination in one piece apart from the my fingers aching from gripping the car seat!
Narrow Winding Roads! I Hate Them!
When we arrived at Brockwood, the lodge and surrounding views, was worth it, it was stunning.
Even in the rain it looked fabulous…Anyway a little rain will not dampen our break. It will make it a little more interesting.
On my first early morning walk I never walk too far away from the lodge, just far enough for the dogs to relive themselves.
A longer walk will come after breakfast, when we have hubby with us to guide the way.
The morning is bright and breezy, a total change from yesterday. Hubby navigates the way to Hodborrow Nature Reserve just a couple of miles from where we are staying.
Love a nature reserve!
The new surroundings brought excitement, a feeling I haven’t felt for along time.
The beautiful tranquil surroundings, the odd call the birds brought back a little motivation to capture photos.
I frantically click away at everything and anything.
Loves some of the messages that was strategically placed on plaques and engraved into stone
We all had a great time, even Toby and Sooty got chance to be off their leads and free to run!
After a good few hours of being out and about, it was time to head back to the lodge to refuel and rest our weary legs.
It wasn’t long before we were walking again, this time through a forest, with the rich, damp scent of soil, carrying the memory of yesterday’s rain and the decomposing slippery leaves underfoot ,npine trees had shed some of their needles, which release a lovely aroma that filled the air.
fragrances of earth and leaves always blend into something quite refreshing, that makes me feel alive, the views where quite something too
Wednesday morning we woke to heavy rain, doesn’t stop me from walking the dogs, I just didn’t have any spectacular views to line our walk.
After breakfast we decided to stay at the lodge seen as the rain was a little persistent. Luckily by midday the sun was out, so we left the lodge for another mini adventure. This time we headed over to Bootle beach in Cumbria, where we could let the dogs have a good run around on a very quiet beach, they certainly burnt some energy off!
Both dogs where exhausted, itime to head back to the car to carry on our mini adventure.
Next stop was Ravenglass Steam Railway, I was a little agitated and argumentative by the time we reached Ravenglass, things wasn’t going as expected, which definitely threw my sidekick an opportunity to disrupt.
Hubby booked the steam train journey, I wasn’t too sure how the dogs would react to traveling by train, but hubby decided to it.
The narrow gauge steam engine took us on a 40 minute, 7 miles scenic views of Cumbria’s coast to the foot of Englands highest mountains.
The dogs behaved admirably, Toby did fret slightly, Sooty however couldn’t care less, he was captivated by the views on or travels through to Eskdale.
Thursday was a great start to the day, it was sunshine all round as we walk around the Hodbarrow Lagoon
By lunchtime everyone was shattered. All the walking we had done over the last 4 days had definitely caught up with us, including the dogs.
Time to head back to the lodge to chill, then start packing for our return home Friday morning.
Hubby couldn’t leave without one last walk, so late afternoon we headed off to Silecroft. The change in weather came in quickly which hindered our visit…what a difference from this morning!
It has been a lovely break, but not somewhere I would return to.
I will be glad to leave the narrow winding roads behind as we head off for home…Can’t wait to get home to my home comforts.
Too Young for Dementia? 