Diary – Motherhood

Wednesday 1st May 2024

I was 2 months away from my 21st birthday when I gave birth to my first daughter Samantha.

The pregnancy wasn’t the best, excessive morning sickness and hospital admissions for the first few months, It wasn’t until i reached around 5months into the pregnancy that the sickness subsided.

I didn’t like being pregnant, maybe that was because of the sickness and lack of support from the father. He preferred beer rather than being at home.

That is one part of my life that I prefer to shut out, so I will probably just skirt around him, if you don’t mind.

When Samantha was born I was over the moon, I desperately wanted to be a mother, it wasn’t easy though, bringing up a child in a rocky marriage was not quite how I thought my motherhood chapter would be.

I became depressed and withdrawn as my marriage slowly disintegrated. I had counselling, took anti depressants in hope my life would get easier, but the underlying problem was still very much around.

It’s funny what you do whilst in a loveless marriage, I thought I had to make it works, I thought marriage was for life and I suppose I was also frightened of leaving.

I learned to cope with the bad times. The drinking and his behaviour became unbearable at times and I did threaten to leave on more than one occasion. Being naive he would talk me around, always apologising profusely for his behaviour, always told me he would change!

He would also buy me gifts and it worked!

18 months later I’m pregnant again.

I was overjoyed when Victoria was born, I now had two beautiful girls and I felt complete.

Within 12 months of me giving birth to Victoria, my marriage had gone from bad to worse.

The apologies and gifts meant nothing, I had, had enough!

I had a plan, if I went back to work full time I would be able to support me and my girls

I had recently tried part time evening jobs, which didn’t go down well, they never lasted, it was too much of a disruption for my daughter’s dad to have to stay at home.

I took on some part time cleaning jobs through the day and found a nursery for the girls. I had several little cleaning jobs and within a couple of months i was nearly working full time.

Then i spotted a job in the local paper, it was for an area supervisor for Lancashire County Council Building Cleaning. I read that advertisement many times, putting the paper down, no one would employ me, I wasn’t good enough and I didn’t think I had the qualifications.

I don’t know where I found the confidence to apply for that job, maybe it was my two girls. I’m glad I did because that’s when my life changed!

I had never attended an interview, never mind prepare a presentation. I worked tirelessly on my presentation, i needed it to capture the interview panel and most importantly, I needed this job more than anything, i needed this job to start a new life for me and my girls.

I can remember on my way to the interview in Clayton le woods, I played the music so loud in the car, trying to psych myself up!

I just kept telling myself…” You can do this” This is my job”.

When I entered that interview room I was so nervous. A panel of 3 people sat watching my every move, asking questions waiting for my response and judging my reactions. I answered the questions as confidently as I could, without trying to appear nervous.

Next was my presentation, now I was in control so I felt a little more at ease.

I left the interview room with Hope in my heart and my fingers crossed.

A week later I received a phone call “ We are pleased to inform you, your interview went well and we would like to offer you the position of Area Supervisor!

Oh my goodness, I couldn’t believe it!

Me and Area Supervisor looking after staff in premises in and around the Burnley area…Wow!

I did it!

Within 6 months of me starting work full time, I had plucked up the courage to file for divorce.

In desperation he threatened to take my girls away from me, many times. Scare tactics, or was they!

He moved out to live with his parents after our marriage became a little heated, threats and physical abuse began after he received the notification that I was filing for divorce on unreasonable behaviour.

With months the divorce was well on the way to being completed and I was navigating the courts to keep my two girls.

Sitting in that court room was quite an ordeal, and was not a pleasant experience, the outcome was well in my favour…Yes I won!

For him he had weekend visiting rights, which didn’t last long at all. He eventually severed contact moving around so he wasn’t traceable.

That in itself showed exactly what sort of a person he was.

Now a new chapter begins …Just Me and My Girls.